


Just Remember, You Are Not Alone

by shrouded_tears



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: Community: kradambigbang, Kradam, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-01
Updated: 2011-08-01
Packaged: 2017-10-22 02:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/232560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrouded_tears/pseuds/shrouded_tears
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris announces to the world that he is gay, and faces rejection because of it. Even Adam rejects him for a while, but for a completely different reason. His subconscious hungers for Kris and he knew he had to get away before he did something that both of them would regret...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Remember, You Are Not Alone

  


**  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00002be8/)  
  
**  
  


  
[  
**  
**  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  
  
  
**Adam**  


  
“Well, I’m gay.”

Adam blinked. “Excuse me?”

“I’m gay.” Kris repeated, looking up at him with fearful eyes.

Adam stared at Kris for a long time before things finally clicked into place, and his mind slowly registered what was going on. He took a step back. Kris’ face fell. He took another step back.

Whatever he was expecting from this conversation with Kris, it was not this. _I’m gay_. Those two words destroyed whatever self-restraint he had had. His subconscious _hungered_ for Kris.

Shaking his head mechanically from side to side, Adam turned around and sprinted away.

The last thing he saw was the hurt expression, his slumped shoulders, the pure look of disappointment and disbelief written all over his face. What Adam wanted to do more than anything was to go back there and kiss his sadness away until those dulled, pained eyes once again shone with the happy brilliance they had recently lost.

But he knew he could not. He knew he had to get away. Get far away before he did something that he would regret.

  
*-*-*

 **  
**

 ** _  
  
_**

 ** _[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
_**

 ** _  
_

  
**  


  
 **Kris (Two weeks later)**  
  


  
Kris hissed when somebody gripped his shoulder and wrenched him around forcefully. Tearing himself away with just as much force, Kris’ eyes flashed as he moved to glare at the imposingly tall figure before him. When he recognised the figure, Kris growled.

“What? So you’re back now?” He paused. “What a wonderful greeting! So, you get to decide when you want to disappear and appear? Do you even consider how worried everyone else will be?”

“Kris, listen to me. It’s not like that. Let me exp-“

Kris’ eyes narrowed. “It’s not like what? In the first place, I do not see any reason why I should let you explain anything. All I know is that you ran away when I told you I was gay, without telling anyone or so much as leaving a pathetic note! What? So it seems to me as if you don’t _accept_ the fact that I’m gay. Fine! Can’t you at least tell someone before you decide that you have to stay away from me? Face it. The world doesn’t revolve around you; you don’t get to be so selfish.”

Kris turned his back on Adam and walked away.

  
*-*-*

  
[  
 **  
**  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  
  
  
 **Adam**  


  
His honest response to what Kris had just said to him was, _what?_ It wasn’t that he thought Kris was talking bullshit; it was just that he hadn’t absorbed it yet. He hadn’t meant to grip Kris so tightly, but at that point in time, it just seemed like the only thing he could do to stop Kris from walking out on him.

Apparently, it was inevitable.

Kris had seemed like he was going to implode or explode or detonate in his face, whichever seemed to be the most appropriate word. Like...wow. He'd finished yelling at him and disappeared from his sight in the blink of an eye.

What he wouldn't give to see Kris' reaction if he found out about what Adam was thinking after his 'lengthy speech'.

He’d probably have to find another time to apologise to Kris though. It was pretty obvious that he was ready to throw sparks.

  
*-*-*

 **  
**

 ** _  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
  
_**

 **  
**  


  
 **Kris**  
  


What the hell. He was not going to let Adam dominate his life like this. He was not going to let Adam walk in and out of his life the way he was breathing in and out. Not so easily.

Kris could assure Adam that the next time he decides to walk out of his life again, he would not have to make another decision whether or not he wanted to walk back in. Kris would make that decision for him. So many people have been threatening to leave him. It doesn’t matter if Adam were the first. He wouldn’t need to walk back into his life ever again. In fact, it would even save him the trouble of having to use his precious effort to ponder this through.

  
*-*-*

  
  
[  
 **  
  
  
**  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  
  
 **Adam (One week later)**  


  
“Kris, I came to apologize.” Adam stepped into the room, an apologetic smile on his face, moving towards Kris’ seated frame slowly and carefully.

Upon hearing his voice, Kris stood up abruptly, the arm he had been examining falling to his side as he hurriedly pulled down his sleeve. Adam's eyes trailed along Kris' arm and then slid back up to look at his face again. He swore he saw red streaks on Kris' arm, but looking at Kris' blank face, he considered that maybe it was just a figment of his imagination. In any case, Adam knew he should avoid any sort of conflict with Kris at the moment. That could ruin their already damaged friendship once and for all.

“You all right? I came here to apologize cos I realised how unacceptable my behaviour was.”

Kris turned his back on Adam. “How would I know if you're being sincere in your apology?”

Adam took a deep breath and thought to himself, _It's all right. He's bound to feel pissed at me. Let him simmer for a while more and it will be better._

Putting on the most sincere smile he could muster, Adam replied, “You've just got to trust me.”

Kris’ reply came too quickly. Almost as if he were desperate for Adam to leave him alone. “Fine...”

Adam waited.

“One chance. Don't mess this up again.”

Beaming, Adam crossed the room in a few strides and enveloped Kris in a full body hug. That was easier than he had initially thought it would be. “Thank you. I promise I'll try my best not to do anything stupid, even though you know I always do stupid things. You have no idea how much it means to me that you are willing to forgive me.” He had no idea what he had seen on Kris’ arm but he decided to let the matter rest for the time being.

  
*-*-*

 **  
**

 ** _  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
  
_**

 **  
**  


  
 **Kris (Two weeks later)**  
  


  
Kris smiled. But it did not reach his eyes. He laughed. But it was not the infectious laughter it once had been. He slept, he walked, he ate. Basically, he did everything a human would. Except right now, he was more of a machine, a robot, than a human. A cheap imitation. A fake. A copy of the once-genuine Kris he had been.

Adam smiled at him. He smiled back.But he really didn’t feel like smiling that fucking idiotic smile anymore.

“I’ve got to go now. I’m really tired.” So much for ‘stopping over’ at Adam’s for ‘just a moment’. They’ve already been talking for the good part of the evening. And by talking, he meant Adam 'inquiring on his well-being'. To which his answers were pure lies.

“I have to go now…” His voice trailed off and he glanced at Adam. Adam did not seem too convinced.  
When he hesitated, Kris decided to tune it up a notch, pretending to yawn and stretch just for good measure. Stupid move. Feeling his sleeve slip downwards, Kris immediately dropped his arms. He swore he could feel those piercing eyes boring a hole through him. He could feel the intense gaze sweeping his arms. Shit. Now he really had to go.

“I… Please excuse me.” With his eyes turned towards the floor, Kris half-ran, half-stumbled out of the apartment.

  
*-*-*

 **  
**

 ** _  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
  
_**

 **  
**  


  
 **Kris (One weeks later)**  
  


  
He saw Adam walking towards him. Again. Nowadays, that was an unwelcome sight. It either meant that Adam wanted to ‘talk’ to him, or that Adam was ‘checking up’ on him.

“Kris, I…”

In this case, it would probably be the former since Adam would normally start with “Kris, are you all right?” for the latter. It was getting sickening. Very sickening.

He took a deep breath and smiled.

“…Wanted to ask you if you are all right.”

Letting out a half-amused smile, Kris thought, _Oh look I was wrong. It was the latter after all._

“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” Kris lied the same lie once more, without batting an eyelid.

Adam replied, completely oblivious to the lie he had just been told. “Well, you’ve seemed off these days. I was just wondering if something was bothering you. You can tell me you know.”

“And what makes you think I can tell you?” Kris shot back before he could stop himself.

“Pardon?”

Screw it. He is going to make his point.

“What makes you think I can or will tell you anything at all?”

“We’ve always done that with each other. What makes this any different from all those other times?”

“You wouldn’t understand. You wouldn’t _begin_ to comprehend anything I tell you. So it’s better that I do not tell you anything at all.”

At that point, Kris began to sense Adam’s mood changing and his stance took a one hundred and eighty degree turn. At the same time, he saw a flicker of red in the periphery of his vision and sensed rather than saw Allison at the door. Shoot. This is not something he wanted Allison to see, especially not when it seemed to be going to end badly.

“What do you think I wouldn’t understand? Do you seriously think that I did not face rejection when I came out? Who wouldn’t?”

An amused look flashed passed Kris’ face. “For one, you. I’m sure you did not have your parents so out rightly against you or your spouse avoiding you all the time. Not that you had a spouse.”

Adam’s voice took on an even more venomous edge. “You know what? You are right. I do not understand you. I thought I did, but the Kris I used to understand is apparently not the Kris standing before me now. I do not understand anything about you now. Especially not this.”

An ugly sneer broke across Adam’s face as he reached for Kris’ arm. Kris’ eyes widened.

  
*-*-*

  
  
 **  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  
  
**  
  
 **Adam**  


  
Grabbing his arm, Adam pulled up Kris' sleeve and stared at the red streaks on his arm. A second later, he was thrust against a wall violently. A hand closed around his throat and cold eyes glared defiantly back at him.

"Don't fucking touch me again."

And Kris left.

Adam stood there, dazed and more than a little shocked by what had just happened. He’d suspected that something was off when he saw those red streaks a month ago but had never thought more about them. When he saw them again a couple of days ago, that shadow of doubt grew stronger and stronger until it was no longer a shadow but an overwhelming solid presence. And that presence pushed him to find out more.

His doubts were finally confirmed today after Kris’ violent action. Kris was never violent. Never in his memory. It was true that he had become more and more bitter as the days passed, but until now, Kris had never showed any violent tendencies.

A streak of fiery red hair came into his view and he felt something wet drip onto his arm as a teary-eyed Allison hugged him and buried her head in his shoulder. “Why?”

  
*-*-*

 **  
**

 ** _  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
  
_**

 **  
**  


  
 **Kris (One weeks later)**  
  


  
“Are you alright?”

Kris rolled his eyes and sighed. He swore that everybody he had met today had asked him this question. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone?

“For the billionth time Allison, yes I am!” The look she gave him clearly told him that she did not believe a word he said. Ever since that day, Allison had been looking at him weirdly. Even though she did not know what exactly happened between him and Adam, he suspected that she _knew_.

So maybe he should not have yelled at Adam when Allison was in the room, but he sure as hell did not regret doing it. Adam shouldn’t have invaded in his privacy. Some things were supposed to remain a secret, but Adam had to pry. It was not his fault that he had to retaliate…

  
*-*-*

  
  
 **  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  
  
**  
  
 **Adam**  


  
Adam still could not figure out what the hell was wrong with Kris. It was ridiculous. Did he _really_ think that other gay men did not face rejection when they came out? He was acting as if it were the end of the world!

Weirdly enough, whenever he mentioned something of the like to Allison, she would frown at him and ignore him. It was _almost_ as if she was on Kris’ side and disapproved of what _he_ thought. Or maybe she _was_ on Kris’ side. He couldn’t tell.

Allison. That fiery ball of sarcasm, who, under all the mischief and evilness, was the best friend you could ever have. And he knew that Allison treated both of them as if they were her siblings. He knew she cared. So when you discover that your sibling was hurting himself, how would you react and what would you do?

That was what he wondered about Allison. He was sure that she was upset, very much so, she cared just a teeny weeny bit too much, but other than being upset, what else did she feel?

Adam loved Allison like a sister, but with Kris, it was different. It was not the kind of love between siblings that he showered on him. There was always this extra something when Kris was around. He figured that Allison knew that. She could probably detect it through that weird sixth sense she has. She knew everything. Now that his friendship with Kris was falling apart brick by brick, he wondered what Allison could do to salvage it. It was a danger zone, one wrong step and the entire building would collapse, bringing down whoever else was near it. So maybe he should be hoping that Allison would not interfere with this. But that was not what he really felt. Deep inside, he screamed for Allison to do something, _anything_ , in order to salvage the remains of their friendship, and possibly fix it again. She was the only one who could reach out to Kris now.

He just wished that Allison would look at this from his perspective…

  
*-*-*

 **  
**

 ** _  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
  
_**

 **  
**  


  
 **Kris (One weeks later)**  
  


  
Things couldn’t get any worse. Or so Kris thought. His arrow of thought completely missed its target.

“Mom, wait. Don’t hang up on me. You can’t. I know you find it difficult to accept all of this but you can’t just reject me like this. I know it’s sudden and you need time for it to sink in. But what you are doing is equivalent to throwing me out of your house! You can’t do this. I’m your son. You once said that you would never turn away whatever happened.”

The hysterical response came from across the line. “You! You can’t spring this on me and expect me to just let it go! It’s unnatural. God did not create us like this. Why do you even think that you are gay? You have a wife. Katy. Remember? If you were gay, you would never have fallen in love with Katy. It’s common sense! Don’t ever tell me that you are gay again! Or you will no longer be my son!”

“Mom, can you please understand?! I have as much control over it as you have control over your death.” Kris took a deep breath. “It’s a fact so please try to accept it. I am g-”

The line went dead.

  
*-*-*

 **  
**

 ** _  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
  
_**

 **  
**  


  
 **Kris (Two weeks later)**  
  


  
“I don’t even know how you found out that you were ‘gay’. You were married! To me! Am I that insignificant to you? Was I then? Was I so insignificant that you would go out and hook up with some random guy to discover that you are gay?! Or is that some random decision. Gay. This is a serious matter you know!” Katy ranted at him in the doorway, her voice shrill and her eyes just starting to well up with tears.

She was not _completely_ off the block. It _had_ something to do with a guy, but not just any random guy whom he ‘hooked up’ with. It had more to do with what happened between then and now, when he first met Adam, when he moved into the mansion with Adam, when idol ended…

“Did you even care about me at all?!” Katy’s shrill voice brought him out of his thoughts.

This was not a conversation Kris wanted to have, “You know what? _I’ve_ had quite enough of this crap already.”

“Well, you know what? I’ve had quite enough of this crap already.”

Exasperated, Kris ran his hand over his face. “Can we at least have this talk inside the house?”

Katy moved to block him from entering upon hearing this, “No, you will not step into this house as long as I’m around! Since you don’t want to be with me any longer, I am not obliged to offer you any hospitality.”

Glaring at his ex-wife, Kris spat out his response bitterly, “Fine.” He couldn’t believe how much of a child she was acting.

He swallowed, hands balled up at his sides, shaking at the effort needed to keep himself from punching the wall or doing something extreme enough to draw people’s attention to him. He growled menacingly, head pounding and adrenaline rushing through his veins. Then, he stalked away before he could do any real damage.

Kris had had enough. All those icy stares and cold remarks had begun building up deep inside him from a long time ago, and now it should come as no surprise that he could not take any more of it. How such a small problem could lead him to this, Kris did not know. It was like an itch, festering on your skin until it gets impossible to ignore. All the criticism from those ignorant people – they were exactly like an itch. A pest to be gotten rid of.

How fucking unacceptable was it to be gay anyway? Sure. It’s where the boundaries begin to grey, where it begins to confuse people. But why won’t they just _try_ to understand? One of your friends turns gay. So? It’s not like it’s the end of the world, and they don’t actually have to freak out over it do they? That said, do they have to sever all ties with him?

It seems as if the world had turned its back on him. It was rightfully, his turn to turn his back on the world now. Life was so unfair. He could not believe how all those he loved had just walked away from him. He refused to believe that they were capable of doing so. Now, all he felt for them was hatred. And he looked down on them.

And Adam. Who was he to walk away? Of _all_ the people he knew, Adam was the one whom he _least_ expected would turn away from him. He had no right. It was hypocritical of him. How could he be gay and yet show Kris so much hostility when Kris came out? Even the attraction Kris felt towards him could not make up for the crap he had been doing.

Even though Adam had apologized and he had ‘accepted his apology’, inside, he still bore a grudge against him. He would not forgive him so quickly and easily for his betrayal.

  
*-*-*

 **  
**

 ** _  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
  
_**

 **  
**  


  
 **Kris**  
  


  
 _2am, where do I begin  
Crying off my face again  
The silent sound of loneliness  
Wants to follow me to bed_  


 _I’m the ghost of a girl  
That I want to be most  
I’m the shell of a girl  
That I used to know well_

 _Dancing slowly in an empty room  
Can the lonely take the place of you  
I sing myself a quiet lullaby  
Then you go and let the lonely in  
To take my heart again_

 _Too afraid, to go inside  
For the pain of one more loveless night  
For the loneliness will stay with me  
And hold me till I fall asleep_

 _I’m the ghost of a girl  
That I want to be most  
I’m the shell of a girl  
That I used to know well_

 _Dancing slowly in an empty room  
Can the lonely take the place of you  
I sing myself a quiet lullaby  
Then you go and let the lonely in  
To take my heart again_

 _Broken pieces of  
A barely breathing story  
Where there once was love  
Now there’s only me  
And the lonely…_

 _Dancing slowly in an empty room  
Can the lonely take the place of you  
I sing myself a quiet lullaby  
Then you go and let the lonely in  
To take my heart again_

Kris turned off the radio. The silence once again filled the room. Looking at the bed he once shared with Katy, Kris thought about how the song fitted his situation perfectly. _Although it is supposed to be referring to a girl…I wonder how it feels like to be female._ Kris thought wryly. _No matter. Just a few tweaks of the lyrics here and there and it would be perfect._

At least Katy had granted him an hour to pack up his stuff and ‘get out of here’. He couldn’t be happier to oblige. And it was also nice to know that she would not be staring at him while he packed. She had the tact to leave him alone for that one hour. Thank god for that.

Walking briskly to the front door, Kris looked around one last time and stepped out of the house. The only thing he regretted here was to leave Allison without as much as a goodbye. But he knew it was time for him to go.

Every night before, he had curled up on the bed and just imagined what it would be like if he could get a chance to travel back in time and live in the past again. The empty house seemed to taunt him, taunt him about his helplessness, taunt him about his inability to fight back, taunt him about those who had rejected him. Now, he was having no more of it. It was time for him to run away to create his own destiny. Nobody else was going to decide his future for him anymore.

 _  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00003kzx/)  
  
_

  
*-*-*

  
  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00007tyy/)  


  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam (Three days later)  
**

  
“Owww!! Allison!! Why did you throw the god damn shoe at me? It actually hurts you know!” Adam rubbed his head with one hand, and with the other, proceeded to throw his pillow at Allison.

Allison flailed. “You wouldn’t wake! And it’s important! Like really important!!”

“Right. So what’s more important than my beauty sleep? Somehow, I knew that I should never have given you the key to my apartment.” Adam half-jokingly replied in his sleep roughened voice.

“It’s about Kris.”

Well, _that_ caught his attention. Sitting up abruptly, he quickly rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “What about him?”

“He’s gone.”

“What do you mean, gone?”

Chewing on her bottom lip, Allison replied uneasily. “I mean, he’s _gone_. I think he left.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“What do you think?”

“You can’t be serious! I mean, how could he have just _left_? He didn’t even tell anyone. He wouldn’t just leave like that!”

“Well, apparently he could and would!”

He knew that Allison was trying to read his expression. She might as well have been looking into the barrel of a gun. At this _point_ , his expression most definitely drew to a _blank_. Get it? Gun? Point? Blank? Gun at point blank? Okay. Never mind.

“Okay… What’s a normal human reaction? I can’t think properly.”

Allison looked at him weirdly. “How about, shit. I need to go and look for him. Now!”

“Brilliant. Shit. I need to go and look for him. Now!” He paused. “But why didn’t you tell me earlier!”

“Trust me, I _tried_.”

Hurriedly grabbing some clothes, Adam headed to the washroom to freshen up. Miraculously, he was out within fifteen minutes, though with minimal make-up on. Allison gaped at him in awe.

Catching her look of disbelief, Adam wailed. “What! I _can_ actually be quick about this if I want to! But see? You’ve side tracked me and got me so freaked out that I’m _ranting_! Why did you have to talk to me about this at this unearthly hour? What am I supposed to do??”

Allison gazed blankly at her friend for a moment before her shoulders slumped and the expression in her eyes turned pleading. She then dropped her head to stare at her neatly folded hands in her lap. They were trembling slightly, thus betraying the serenity she tried so hard to exude.

“I have no idea. I, too, feel perplexed about his decision to leave. But what can I do now other than to try to bring him back, and afterwards attempt to help him feel in place again? I have no idea what you are supposed to do, but whatever you plan to do, please do it quickly.”

Adam’s panicked gaze softened into one of mild grief and guilt. He crossed the room in a couple of strides and enveloped Allison in a hug.

“I will bring him back. I promise. In fact, I’ll start looking for him at his usual hangouts right now. Don’t worry.”

  
*-*-*  


  
[  
 **  
**  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87)  
  
  
 **Kris (One week later)**  


  
Kris looked into the distance. Blue seas, white sand, a beautiful sunset. How tranquil it was. Unlike his personal life.

He did not even know where he should go now. Maybe he should just stay here; nobody else came to this place anyway, what with it being so close to an abandoned graveyard that was said to be ‘haunted’. He sneered at the idea. Haunted? That was just a story to scare away little children. He couldn’t believe that adults actually believed it. Nobody else he knew had ever came here. Or maybe except Adam. But he would bet a hundred bucks that Adam had forgotten about this already.

That time, the only time they came to this beach together, Adam had seemed fearful. Just like all the other ignorant superstitious people out there. Ghost? Really? He couldn’t comprehend how the gears were turning in their mind.

Kris sighed, thinking about Adam. They used to be _friends_. But ever since Adam left when he found out that Kris was gay, Kris had started bearing a grudge against him. No matter how hard he tried to let it go, he couldn’t. That hate just grew stronger and stronger...

*-*-*

  
[  
 **  
**  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87)  
  
  
 **Kris (One week later)**  


  
Kris had been on the beach for more than a week already. He would love to just stay there, at least for the moment. But although he had more freedom than he ever had before, it was confusing. The whole situation was confusing. It was just that… He still felt empty. Like there was something important missing in his life.

Something, or someone, that was a part of him that was lost. But that someone was not Katy. He was sure of it. If it were, he would have known. But the one who was on his mind currently was definitely not Katy.

  
It was not even a _she_. Whenever he closed his eyes, he would see hair as velvety and black as the night sky and cerulean eyes as deep as the endless ocean. He couldn’t get it out of his head. In fact, a part of him did not want to get it out of his head.

For now, Kris decided to savour what he had. Lying down on the sand, he sighed in contentment. If only he had who he wanted with him right now, it would feel exactly like he was floating in honey.

Sweet…

The grains of gleaming sand were warm against his back. Kris closed his eyes, savouring every blissful moment that the day could provide, sure that he would not be experiencing anything quite so enjoyable any time soon.

  
*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam  
**

  
“I don’t get it. Why hasn’t anybody seen him yet?”

It was as if Kris had been wiped from the face of Earth. It had already been a week and nobody had caught sight of him. With the amount of fans he had all over the world, how could nobody have had a single sighting of him over the span of two fucking weeks? It was impossible.

Kris Allen missing. That was all over the entertainment news these days. Somebody must have seen him and there would have been reports. Problem was, why were there none? It just didn’t make any sense at all.

Defeated, Allison asked him, “You’re sure you have checked all his hangouts?”

“Positive.”

“Well, then I hope you’ve also realised that nobody has seen him at all.”

“Yeah. And…?”

“There is no way in hell he could have just camouflaged into his surroundings. Is there any place he goes to that nobody else knows about?”

“Brilliant of you to think of something like that. But you’ve missed out one little point. If he _is_ going to some place that nobody else knows about, how would I know where it is?”

“I don’t know… You two just seemed… close. Very close. Perhaps he had showed you that some place once but you’ve merely forgotten about it?”

  
*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam  
**

  
The sand gleaming in the silver moonlight, the peaceful swishing of waves, the gentle breeze blowing over palm trees. The sea, dark and sinister in the night, the beach, void of a single soul. It was beautiful. And here he was, with the fun-sized browned haired man he loved so much, but was so afraid of. He was not afraid of Kris as a person. It was impossible. Everyone who saw him would fall in love with his sweetness immediately. But not the way that Adam does. No, he was not afraid of Kris as a person, he was afraid of Kris for the feelings he evoked in him. After Brad, and then Drake, he had promised himself never to fall for another. But those brown eyes, eternally ruffled hair and cute Southern accent, Kris was an offering he couldn’t resist accepting.

He stepped forward and reached out to Kris with a friendly smile on his face. How he wished that friendly smile was allowed to shift into something more. But he was not allowed to. Kris stepped back.

His smile fading slightly, Adam took another step forward. Again, Kris took a step back. “Kris, what’s wrong?” His smile completely wiped off his face now, Adam strode forward worriedly, his hand still outstretched towards Kris. Kris kept backing away from him until he had to run after him. But the faster he ran, the further away Kris got. It was as if he could run forever and never be able to catch up with him.

*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam  
**

  
Adam woke with a strangled gasp. It was one of those dreams again. Something was different about it though… Something…

His eyes were heavy with sleep and slowly started to droop as he tried to pinpoint the special something in his dream, or nightmare to be precise. Almost back asleep, the memory of him and Kris hanging out at the abandoned beach suddenly assaulted his mind.

Eyes snapping open in an instant, Adam clambered out of bed and frantically reached for his cell phone.

  
*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam  
**

  
“Allison, you were right!”

Allison slurred, “What the hell? Do you realise that you are calling in the dead of the night? It’s three!”

“ No, listen. I know where Kris is. I’ve been there with him before.”

Adam heard Allison’s breath catch and a moment later, her shrill reply came. She was definitely wide awake _now_. “What! Let’s go get him now!”

Adam grinned.

*-*-*

  
[  
 **  
**  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87)  
  
  
 **Kris**  


  
In the dead of the night, the moonlight shimmering on the surface of the beautiful sea was indeed a sight.

Nothing out there was moving. Except… in the distance, he saw two figures running towards the beach. One whose stature was not at all negligible and the other who had a head of fiery hair, visible even in the dark. Damn it. So much for peace and running away to create his own future.

But what should he do now? Sit here and wait for them to find him? Or run?

Running away would be easy enough. But then again, that didn’t seem like an option now. It would be seen as cowardly. And besides, running again would be equivalent to escaping from reality and he had promised himself never to run away from reality again.

Reality. That was something that was bound to happen in the end.

Kris sighed, curled himself into a fetal position and waited for what was soon to come.

The heavy footsteps grew closer and then stopped. He could hear their laboured breathing, as if they had ran the whole way here. And he waited for them to speak.

  
*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam  
**

  
Allison jabbed him painfully in his ribs as they stood a short distance behind Kris. He should probably say something now, he knew it, but he just didn’t know what to say. When he was still in the house, everything had seemed fine. Easy. But once he’d stepped on this beach, his mind had blanked out against his will.

The speech he had been planning fell down flat against the tense atmosphere.

Furthermore, Kris was ignoring them. All three of them knew that Kris was wide awake and waiting. He was just reluctant to start anything. Apparently, that responsibility was pushed to him. Proof from Allison’s jab.

“Kris…” He stopped. _What_ was he supposed to say. “I… I’m sorry Kris.”

Kris didn’t react. He swallowed his pride and continued.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done what I’d done.”

When Kris remained silent and still, he felt his blood starting to boil. “Look…”

And that’s when Allison burst in.

“Come on Kris, come back to us. Even though Adam is an asshole, it can’t be all that bad. I mean look. You still have me. And and… Adam does sincerely want to help! I think…”

Adam shot her a death glare. She ignored him and continued, “Do you think it’s worth it to give up what you’ve worked for all your life just because some ignorant shit tells you otherwise? I mean, hey! It’s not a big deal. You’re gay. So what? It’s not like the world is going to get cardiac arrest or something. Plenty of people have declared themselves gay and people reject them. But so what? They are unique individuals. Those who despise them or you in this case, just tell them to go fuck themselves. You know how it goes, those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.”

Then, she stepped up and hauled Kris to his feet. Surprisingly, Kris did not make any move to pull out of her death grip.

Allison’s face lit up. “Let’s go!” And she trotted purposefully across the abandoned beach, dragging a sullen Kris along. Adam gawped.

  
*-*-*

  
[  
 **  
**  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87)  
  
  
 **Kris (One month later)**  


  
Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Kris stiffened and cursed himself for forgetting to close the door. He kept forgetting that he was not living alone now. Miraculously, Allison had somehow not only convinced him to come back, but also psychoed him into letting her and Adam move in with him. Or should he say, he had agreed to let Allison move in. When he hesitated in Adam’s request, Allison had given him those pleading puppy eyes and he caved. He was a sucker for those puppy eyes. One day, he swore, he would learn to resist them. He didn’t really believe himself though.

Hesitating before slowly turning around with dread, he was met by a pair of tear-filled blue eyes.

And the emotion in those eyes disgusted him. They were filled with concern, that sickening concern which has been in everyone’s eyes ever since he returned. It was always that concern which drove him away from company and repulsed him into keeping his distance from the outside world.

Kris glared at Adam, knowing fully-well that his eyes conveyed the defiance and hate he felt. Seeing Adam flinch at the coldness he unleashed on him, Kris felt an inward spark of satisfaction. He gently drew the knife across his arm, so gently as if stroking a cat, sensing the tension in the atmosphere, sensing Adam’s disapproval, sensing the unsaid words hanging in the air between them.

The skin split easily under the blade. Adam flinched. Blood slowly welled up, dripping from his arm, a small crimson trickle. Another cut to adorn his arm, together with his collection of various big and small slashes.

Finally, there was a response. “Why?”

Pausing, Kris played with all the responses flashing in my mind. When he replied, he enunciated each syllable carefully; making sure that Adam heard every word that he said clearly. “Because it provides me with the only comfort that anything or anyone can ever give me.” Looking up at Adam with a now familiar grimace on his face, Kris barely managed to stop the contemptuous sneer from breaking through his façade of calmness.

“When did you even start?”

“If you really keen to know, then it’s right after I came back. I can’t stand all of you and your fucked up ways. It’s killing me and none of you even sees. This whole situation is sick okay? Compared with all this, I would prefer to escape the situation instead. Cutting is a way, unless you want me to jump off a building. If that’s the case, it can be arranged.”

  
*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam  
**

The tears prickled in his eyes as Kris spoke. Adam knew that he was purposely trying to inflict pain on him but he could not help feeling the grief which he did. “In all the years that I’ve given you all the love I could provide, provided you with everything you needed, stuck with you through thick and thin, how can you say that this… this taboo is the only thing that provides you with comfort?” Adam looked into the hard eyes flashing anger at him again, and wondered: When had he become this stranger?

“You’re missing the whole point. You said it yourself that you’ve provided me with everything I needed, but have you ever thought of providing me with what I wanted?” Adam heard the bitterness poisoning every word he said and hated it. What had happened to the Kris he had once known?

As it was, he dropped the bloody knife, wiped his arm with a towel and stalked out of the bathroom.  
The dull thunk of the knife in the loud silence made Adam’s mind ring. He could not comprehend what Kris had just told him, but he was determined not to let him get away with it again. Adam swiftly followed Kris to his room, only to have the door slammed shut in his face. Crying out in frustration, Adam yelled for Kris to let him in. As expected, it was a futile effort.

Leaning against the door, he started weeping, all the pain he felt pouring out of him. “Let me in. Please!”Adam slumped against the door, his tears streaking down the wood, listening. There was silence in the entire house except for his weeping. Or that was what he thought at first. But after a while, he picked up the sound of muffled crying from inside the room. And he understood. He understood what Kris wanted.

He was wrong. He had not provided Kris with what he needed. He was never there for Kris when he cried.

He was never there for Kris to share his successes or weep with him when he lost something precious to him. For example, Katy. Adam knew that he was never there to guide Kris when he started to discover himself. When he started to discover that he was gay.

“Kris. Let me in. I know what you want.”

There was silence, and then the knob turned.

  
*-*-*

  
[  
 **  
**  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87)  
  
  
 **Kris**  


  
He heard Adam cry, not for him, but with him. He heard the grief in every sob and felt his own pain in him.

When Adam breathed the words so softly that he nearly missed them, Kris knew that someone finally understood. “Kris. Let me in. I know what you want.” And he believed those simple nine words. Taking a deep breath, he unlocked the door. A small act of a trust, but an act of trust all the same, the only act of trust he could afford to give away at that point in time.

“Life? How can you expect me to say that it is full of wonders when, everywhere I look, it ends in death?”

Kris was drawn back to the day when he realized exactly how violent the world could be. The day he came out to the world, everybody left him. His parents, his friends, Katy. And for some fucked up reason, Adam actually avoided him for a while. When he came “home”, he saw the emptiness of the house, no longer a home but just a place for his body to rest. His mind had never rested since that day.

Adam’s reply came, cutting off his train of thoughts. “Life is not full of wonders. It is full of unfairness and biasness. People judge by what they see, they believe what they want to. It may feel like the world is bearing down on you, but if you can look past all that and just live your life the way you want to, then that is enough.”

Kris shook his head, the frustration clouding his mind. “No. You don’t get it. I can’t live life the way I want to if everyone I know hates me for it. I can’t live knowing that they are all going to leave me one by one. Tell me the answer to this. What would you do when the world comes crashing down on you?”

Kris breathed in the familiar scent of leather and cologne on Adam as Adam tugged him closer, drawing their bodies together in an awkward hug. All he gave in answer to that question was a small sad smile. But that was not enough. Kris waited. And when the answer came, it was like a solid blow to his gut.

“It won't, because I'm strong enough to add to your strength to hold it there.”

With that single statement, Kris felt something snap in him. The wall he had built up so high in order to protect himself crumbled. The answer was so unexpected that his barrier of protection had been torn down all the way to its foundation, too damaged for him to repair. He felt his heart clench and a sob broke through. The tears began flowing easily after that and a slow fire began burning in his wrist – a pain he had never felt before. He knew that he had found the answer that he had been searching for for so long.

It was that statement which had torn away the mask he wore in order to shield his feelings from the outside world, that statement which let him feel all the pain again. But Kris appreciated that pain.

For it told him that he no longer had to hide behind the shadow of the real person he was.  
Kris pulled out of Adam’s grip and sunk to the floor, putting his head in his hands and crying tears of relief and happiness, feeling a tingling within him. With a start, he realized that he felt hope – hope that he had not felt for such a long time. And at that moment, he was certain that he would slowly learn to live again, slowly learn to fix those broken dreams he once had.

  
*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam  
**

  
Adam watched as Kris came apart, watched as he slid down against the wall and started crying. He stepped out of the room quietly and closed the door softly behind him.

Whatever happens, he vowed that he would never leave Kris again.

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000069e6/)  


  
*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00002be8/)  


 **  
  
**

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam (One month later)  
**

  
Ruffling the unruly brown hair affectionately before breaking the kiss, Adam buried his head into the crook of Kris’ neck, breathing in his scent. An groan ensued from Kris, causing a smirk to break across Adam’s face. He knew he was the only one who got to see Kris like that, the only one who could prompt Kris to become so desperate.

“Why’d you st-”

Kris’ words were silenced by the sudden wet brush on his neck, and the grin on Adam’s face grew even wider when Kris let out a stifled moan as he continued to violate his throat soundlessly, nipping at the tender skin, eliciting sensual moans.

A shiver ran the length of Adam’s spine as Kris grasped a handful of his hair with one hand, and with the other hand on the small of his back, attempting to draw him closer.

Dragging his tongue up Kris’ neck and across his jaw line, Adam drew back and leaned his forehead against Kris’, the only sound in the room their heavy breathing. It was during times like this when it could be felt in the air around them, that understanding between them.

Ever since that day when Kris let his guard down and confessed his fears to Adam, it was as if they shared a special bond. Just that special something that let them recognise each and every emotion that flickered across the other’s face and made every unspoken word loud in their ears.

“So,” Kris smiled softly. “I used to cut myself. Does that bother you?”

Adam smiled back. “Used to. Doesn’t now.”

“In what ways did it bother you?” Kris crooned as he stroked Adam’s cheek gently.

Adam stilled Kris’ hand by resting his own over it and with the other hand, slowly pulled up Kris’ sleeve to reveal the faint scars, almost invisible in the dim lighting. He kept his eyes trained on Kris’ face, gauging his expression to make sure he was not going to flare up again. All he could see was thoughtfulness and curiosity.

“Let’s talk about why I was bothered at first. For one, they mar your beautiful skin. And two, they hurt.” Saying this, Adam kissed the inside of Kris’ wrist, running his tongue over the scars, slowly trailing a line of kisses up his arm. Kris shivered.

“Now, let’s talk about why I’m not bothered anymore.” He shifted, tilting his head to suck on the thin skin of Kris’ neck. “I’ve accepted it as a part of you. And like you said, you I to cut yourself. Emphasis on used to. The only thing that matters is that you’ve stopped. Anything else is just crap. There’s no use harping on the past.”

“Well, I guess it's my turn to talk now. There are two ways to cutting yourself...”

“Do I really want to hear this?”

“I'm pretty sure you do.”

Adam eyed him suspiciously. “Go on then.”

“There are two ways to cutting yourself. One, you can cut with the tip of your blade. It goes in deep, but it's just a small cut. That way, the wound rarely bleeds and only in small amounts. If you do not look closely, you wouldn't even be able to see the cut. It's there though. And the scar takes a long time to disappear. It's like a wound festering, an illness that plagues you throughout your entire life, out of sight from everyone else. It bleeds bit by bit, sucking the energy from you slowly.

“The second way is to draw the blade across your skin. It's shallow, but it bleeds quite a lot and it will be a big cut. It's visible but it rarely leaves a scar. Ironically, I discovered this by accident while cleaning the blade. It's the method I prefer though. A clean cut. And it's the blood that actually makes the process satisfying. Once it bleeds itself out, it closes up and heals, leaving no trace behind. Well, at least I think that that applies to everyone. If not, it’s either I’ve been cutting myself wrongly the whole time or that my veins have been positioned in all the wrong places.”

Adam stared hard at his partner. Somehow, he didn't think that Kris was talking about 'the art of cutting' anymore.

He was right. Kris smiled at him sadly before speaking. “So next time you decide to cut my heart, just draw the blade over quickly wouldn't you. A clean cut. And once it bleeds itself out, the wound will close up and heal, leaving no trace behind.”

Adam gave Kris a significant look. “I'll keep in mind not to make any cuts, shallow or deep.” He put on a fake jovial grin and went back to peppering kisses on Kris’ throat. “Anyway, it's time to change the subject! Remember the last time I left you gave me an absolute tongue-lashing when I returned?”

“Mmm...” Kris' replied distractedly, every nerve prickling at the exquisite feeling of Adam nibbling at the skin on his throat.

Adam's hands roamed dangerously lower down his shirt. Eyeing Kris slyly, he continued, “I've thought about it. You said the world doesn't revolve around me, but... it really does.”

Kris' eyes widened for a moment before he burst out laughing and playfully pushed Adam off his lap. “Get out of here you little sucker! The world doesn't revolve around you! It merely points a revolver at you!”

Adam pouted, giving him a mock-offended look. 'Ouch, that hurt. And I'm nowhere near little. If you want an example of someone who is little, that would be you.” His voice then took a more predatory edge, his eyes glinting dangerously, deep pools of lust and want. “As for the sucker part though, would you like to have a demonstration on how much I fit into the category?”

Kris gave an involuntary shudder as Adam crept closer, pushing him onto his back on the bed.

There was not much talk afterwards.

  
*-*-*

  
 **  
[  
  
  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
**  


 **  
Kris (Four days later)  
**

  
“Fine beeeeeeeee that way...” Kris slurred, plastering himself to Adam's side and gazing up adoringly at the taller man sitting on the tree beside him.

“Oh, buzz off... You really can't hold your liquor can you?” Adam gave Kris a little shove.

Kris quietened for a moment before shifting away slightly. Worried, Adam glanced at him, afraid that his comment had stung him in some way. He could not be more wrong.

A moment later, Kris' voice rang out into the clear night air. “Imma little teapot short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout!”

“Oh god! Nursery rhymes?!” Adam threw his hands up in the air, suddenly glad that they did not have an audience.

“When the water's boiling hear me shout! Tip me over and pour me out!” And with that, Kris raised the bottle he was holding and poured all the vodka out of it.

“Krisssssss!” Adam flailed, staring at him aghast. “You're killing all the plants!”

“But it'sss fun!” He replied immediately. Adam buried his head in his hands.

Seemingly forgetting that he was on a tree, Kris leaned backwards - effectively causing himself to fall out of it.

When he heard the rustling of leaves, Adam lifted his head again to discover that the warm presence beside him was gone. He yelped then lunged to grab onto Kris before he could succeed in breaking his neck.

Kris did not seem to appreciate his effort though. He struggled violently against the grip on his arm.

“Let go Adam! I'm flyinggggg!”

And Adam fell out of the tree.

“Somehow, I do not think that letting you drink is a very good idea.” Adam said drily, looking at the smaller man who, miraculously, landed on top of him.

Kris however, was looking every bit the smug devil that he was. “’S okayyyy.” He slurred, leaning forward to kiss him. He tasted of vodka, vodka and _more_ vodka. Exactly _how_ much alcohol did he drink?

At that instant, Allison's voice came from inside the house. 'Hey, what are you guys doing? It's sounds like fun. Can I join...' She poked her head through the doorway and squeaked, her eyes almost popping out of their sockets. 'On second thought, I'll leave you two to it!'

Adam squeezed his eyes shut as Allison fled into the house again. 'Corrupting a minor... Can this night get any more embarrassing?'

Kris nuzzled his neck. 'Human torch!'

Adam groaned and refused to open his eyes.

*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000055t3/)  


 **  
  
Adam (One day later)  
**

With a final kiss, they stepped out of the room into the millions of camera flashes. Adam could feel Kris’ stance stiffen next to him and imagined the closed up expression he wore. He detested how the outside world could make Kris draw back into himself. Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, Adam turned his head slightly to look at Kris’ profile before quickening his pace and hurrying towards the car.

The moment the two of them left public attention and got into the privacy of the car, Adam could feel a significant change in the atmosphere, like someone released the air in a balloon. He knew that stepping back into the media was a big step for Kris to take, a step that nobody could expect of him to take so soon. After all, there had actually been a time when Kris ran away just to avoid the people and the media.

Adam’s thoughts were on Kris all the way back to the apartment they now shared – or at least until Kris rammed on the brakes.

Turning around to look out of the windshield, Adam gasped. The car squealed against the gravel road, seconds away from spinning out of control.

At that moment, it was as if time had slowed down, everything going on in slow motion. Exactly like what happens in movies. His life flashed before his eyes.

Brad. Drake. American Idol. Kris. Kris. Kris. Kris. Kris.

Like a film, a recording of his entire life story, flashing, playing back before his eyes at this very crucial moment. And this film revolved around him and Kris. But their time together could not be drawing to a close. It just couldn't happen. It shouldn't.

Adam closed his eyes, letting a single teardrop slide down his cheek. He knew that no matter how much he denied the fact that they had to part, they would still have to do so. Their time together was drawing to a close. It could. And it would. Right now.

The truck approached even closer. Adam knew he was about to break his promise to Kris. Grabbing Kris close to him one last time, he sang one final line into his ear.

 _“Don’t be scared just close your eyes, we don’t ever have to say goodbye.”_

Tears running down his cheeks, Adam pulled Kris down onto the seat and shielded him from the end. His heart seemed to turn to stone. The weight of it made him feel as if he were sinking into water. It was fear he felt. But not fear for himself. No. It was fear for Kris. For if Kris died and he survived, he knew he would never be able to move on. But if he died and Kris survived, that might be even better as Kris would never have to feel the pain he had caused him ever again.

As the impact came, the murky depths of fear seemed to swallow him up, overwhelming him, preventing him from breathing. The clench in his heart tightened as he struggled for air, making him gasp. His eyes widened as something warm and wet ran down his arm. One moment more and he blacked out.

  
*-*-*

  
 **  
[  
  
  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
**  


 **  
Kris (Two days later)  
**

 _  
  
“Don’t be scared just close your eyes, we don’t ever have to say goodbye.”  
_  
Those were the words he last heard from Adam.

When he woke up, Kris felt light, like he was floating. He couldn’t remember what happened. Looking around to white walls and white bed sheets, he vaguely registered that he was in a hospital. Then it all came back to him. The lights. Adam’s shaky voice in his ear. Adam. Frantically looking around, Kris waved over the closest nurse and with his heart in his throat, asked about Adam’s whereabouts.

The words she whispered were with an apologetic smile and a consoling hand on his shoulder.  
Kris jerked away from the foreign touch. A tear rolled down his cheek. It could not be so.

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/000084tb/)  


  
*-*-*

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00007tyy/)  


  
 **  
[  
  
  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
**  


 **  
Kris (Half a year later)  
**

A pair of familiar electric blue eyes. Jet black hair. Frantically reaching out, Kris tried to grab onto the man before him. Hold onto him again. But his hand closed over nothingness.

Opening his eyes to the dark greeting him once more, Kris shivered, his hair sticking to his temples.

That dream again. Haunting him for the past months, ever since Adam had fallen into a coma. All because of that drunk driver. And all because of _that_ drunk driver, Kris will never see him smile again. That smile which Adam gave no one else. Or those expressive eyes. Emotions flickering through them solely for him to read.

Kris knew he had to stop these recurring nightmares. Nightmares where Adam was right in front of him, right in front of his very eyes. Smiling again, happy again. And even though he was so close, he was never further away. For every time Kris reached out for him, for his warmth, he would disappear, leaving an empty void, an empty space which nothing could fill. An empty void that Kris felt deep in his gut, twisting like a demon, suffocating him and leaving him a wreck. It was too much for him.

Kris curled himself into a fetal position and closed his eyes. But he did not cry. Not since Adam fell into a coma. What was there to cry about? Those tears were a sign of weakness anyway. He should have gotten used to it. He should have gotten used to all of it. Everything he ever had had been taken away already. One more made no difference.

How Adam had twisted the lyrics of his song, the last words he had spoken. _“Don’t be scared just close your eyes, we don’t ever have to say goodbye.”_

He did keep his promise. Oh yes he did. But right now, Kris would rather he had not. He would rather Adam had died and put them both out of their misery. At least then he might have had the choice to follow him to the after world. Others might say that it’s a foolish thing to do, to die for love. But for him, there was no point in living if the only person who grounded him walked away from him. Wasn’t that what ‘Romeo and Juliet’ was famous for? The love they shared? How death couldn’t part them?

 _Don’t be scared…_ How could he not? How could he not be scared that in the short moment that he had to get some rest, Adam would just slip away from him and from this world, so quietly with an insignificant breath of air. But that insignificant breath of air had never been more significant to him.

 _Just close your eyes…_ And Adam did indeed close his eyes. For half a year so far, but possibly, the rest of his life. Or so the doctors declared. But he did not _want_ to believe it. He hoped, he wished, he fantasized, that one day, all these misery would pass like a dream, just a dim memory. One day, Adam would be by his side again, laughing with him, talking about nothing and everything at the same time.

We don’t ever have to say goodbye… But this… Even though they are still together, they are no longer _together_ anymore. It was a physical togetherness. Not a psychological one. This was not a farewell, but then again, it was.

 _  
  
*-*-*  
_

  
 **  
[  
  
  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
**  


  
 **  
Kris (Four months later)  
**  


 _  
  
“It’s so strange. When you were conscious, I never thought twice about seeing you doing your usual nothings. Now, I’d give _anything_ to see you do your usual nothings.” Kris mused while sitting beside a still bed-ridden Adam. “It's just... I've taken you for granted all this time hadn't I? And it only took me to lose you before I realised this. Makes you wonder why I always have to learn something the hard way.”  
_

He smiled tenderly at Adam. “Even now you're still so beautiful. I should really dye your hair black again shouldn't I? It's starting to turn back to ginger. Not that that would be a problem for me but you would prefer your hair dark wouldn’t you?” Kris paused, waiting for the answer that he knew would never come.

He placed a hand in Adam's hair, feeling the long smooth locks and sighed, his eyes turning sad.  
“I've come here to visit you every day, sometimes with Allison. She hasn't gotten over what happened to you yet.' He gave a wry smile. “That makes two of us. But me? I'm just scared of this quietness. I'm scared that there will always be this quietness.”

“I'm not your average Joe. You know that. I need things that other people don't. I need attention. I need respect. I need space. I need freedom. I need somebody who can tell me 'I know you' and really mean it. I need a true friend who will sit there for an hour, listening to me ramble on about the shit going on in my life.

“There are currently thirty-six cuts on me, wounds and scars. Maybe more. But those cuts, all of them tell a different story. It's not about the pain. No. It's about the comfort, the familiarity. Cos everything in my life is in so much chaos right now that this is the only familiar thing. Pathetic isn’t it? But it's the only straight forward and direct event in my life. You cut and it will hurt. Simple as that. But the pain is a sort of release. It's immediate and you can be sure that it'll be there.

“Know it though, that each cut is like a plain shout-out to every single person passing by. It's like I'm screaming 'help me!' but nobody turns around. Nobody hears. Because they don't want to. Because they can't be bothered.

“Everything I say, everything I tell them, it's either just something random or an act of rebellion. And I'm sick of that. I want somebody to take me seriously, look me in the eye and tell me 'I can see the deeper meaning in your words'.

“Those cuts, I've never told you the entire meaning behind them. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm doing this, but from what I gathered, all cutters feel this way. Weird isn’t it? To think that it is a comfort and yet not knowing why you are doing it.

“If there were an audience in front of me hearing me say this now, they would most definitely conclude that I'm insane. But all I would like to say is, please help me. I just need what every other human needs. Just a shoulder to cry on when I really need to. Or a friend to see me through the crap I'm drowning in. Save me from this ocean of craziness. Be my anchor.

“I thought that I've found that friend in you Adam, but you left me here alone again. I really want someone to see me... But no one ever will.

“Right now, I'm just waiting for a miracle to happen. I'm waiting for the moment you would wake and be with me again. I know the chance of that happening is slim… but that doesn't mean that it won't happen right?”

The room reverberated with silence.

 _  
  
*-*-*  
_

  
 **  
[  
  
  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00004x87/)  
**  


  
 **  
Kris (Two months later)  
**  


 _  
  
“It’s been a year since you fell into a coma. Everyone has been telling me to just switch that damn machine off. Let you go. But I can’t. I can’t let you go.” Kris laughed brokenly. “Just like your song. _Nothing kills more than to know that this is the end of the road and I know I gotta let go. But it’s not that easy for me to say goodbye and everything in me wants you back in my life_.”  
_

Kris dropped his head, pressing the heel of his hand against his eyes. “I really don’t know. If you are ever going to come back to me, can you give me some kind of sign?”

He raised his head. “Please.”

And then, he saw it. A twitch of his fingers. Oh my god. “Adam?” Another twitch of his fingers.

“Adam!” Screw the clichéd movie scenes.

It had been exactly one year, five months and ten days since the entire thing started. Is this when the entire thing would end?

Apparently so. The whole situation was so anti-climactic. There was no music, no birds crying out their victory, no sudden flash of light. Just Adam breaking free from the grip that death had held on him, and himself, sitting there, watching as his lover struggled on.

Adam’s eyes opened to the dim moonlight shining through the window, his gaze unfocused. Surveying the room for a moment, his eyes finally fell on Kris.

“Kris?” He rasped out.

Kris stroked his cheek tenderly. A single tear slid from the corner of his eye. “Where have you been?”

Adam gave him a weak smile. “Right here. Just remember, you are not alone.” Adam’s voice was small, but the love he radiated was overwhelming. His fingers curled weakly around Kris’ wrist and Kris glanced down. This contact they had right now, this touch that kept them together, it was a bond that could not be any more fragile. But it was there. He was there. Adam was there.

Kris’ sight started to blur. The tears rolled down his cheek freely, dripping onto their hands. Sinking down,

Kris threw his arms around Adam, deep sobs wrecking his frame.

“I love you.” Kris buried his head in Adam’s shoulder. “Please don’t leave again.”

Adam stroked Kris’ hair gently for a while then tilted his head up to meet his eyes. He silently wiped away the tears that clung to Kris’ eyelashes and leaned forward to drop a kiss on top of his head.

The silence hung around them like a heavy cloak and even though Adam had not spoken, his words seemed to be echoing in that tiny room, bouncing off the four walls surrounding them, ringing in their ears.  
 _  
I will never leave you._

 _I love you too._

 _Just remember, you are not alone._

 _  
  
_

  
[  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shrouded_tears/pic/00009a26/)  


 _  
  
  
_  
*-*-*


End file.
